Grief and resentment is such a complex thing and can show up in so many different ways. And it doesn’t have to always involve someone passing but the general loss of something significant. Or, even something that hasn’t been yet or ever was.

When my mother passed away at 88-years-old my grief showed up in an unexpected way. I knew she was going to pass long before it happened. When the phone call came from my sister at 7:00 in the morning, I knew it was her calling and what she was going to tell me. Though I was prepared for the news, I was still devastated. I had just got to work when she called and when I hung up from her call I was in tears and told my staff I was going to go home for the day. Regardless of knowing it was going to happen, and having thought I would be prepared, I wasn’t. Driving home I felt lost in time like a bubble in the wind ready to pop at any moment.

Navigating Loss and Time

Having had parents for much of my life and then not having parents is a strange feeling. My father passed away many years before my mother. And the feeling wasn’t the same as when my mother passed away. I thought about that the day my mother died. I thought it very interesting how different I felt when comparing the individual passing of each of my parents.

Parallels in Parenthood

My father was an interesting man, and an enigma of sorts, a very hot and cold kind of guy. I didn’t think too much about the differences in how I felt too much, I just accepted it. Otherwise, I would be dragging guilt around with me and who needs extra weight in this life. I knew my dad did the best he could with the tools he was given in life as a child. And, in the latter half of his life he showed up for his kids in significant ways that mattered. But that’s a story for another time.

What got me thinking about grief is one day I was driving and thinking about how I missed my mother. It occurred to me I encountered a similar feeling when I think about my son. My son is alive and healthy but in a lot of ways I don’t have the relationship I would like to have with him. He’s a teenager who has some barriers of his own. And he and I have great differences of opinion on what it means to be responsible and respectful of others. Therefore, we clash a lot. I know a lot of mothers go through the same thing and I also know that this is just a moment in time. Yet, having worked with older people for most of my career I see how time is like sand through the fingers.

For me, every day that goes by that isn’t a good day with him feels like a total loss. Mixed in with this grief I feel for the time I loose with my son are also feelings of envy for mothers whose sons have everything together. Sons who get up every day on time, and take care of their business, are responsible with their obligations and are willing to help around the house and yard without demanding to be paid for every little thing. It’s a grief of something that never was or an ideal never achieved.

Every Day Loss, Envy, Unfulfilled Ideals and Acknowledgment

Life is like that, so many little griefs each of us deal with throughout each year and don’t even realize or acknowledge that’s what it is. The loss of a hope, dream, job, or other opportunities. These are certainly not the same kinds of grief as losing someone, the substance being so different. But I think these all add up and weigh on the soul just as heavily. It causes one to walk through a sort of mud on the daily, or feel as I felt, like a bubble in the wind.

When acknowledging my grief in different things I realized some forms of my grief were tainted with resentment. Resentment that my mother had me later in life leaving me less time with her. Resentment that my brother lived in the same city as her across the country and I only saw her once a year as an adult. Resentment that my family life isn’t always what I pictured and so on.

Relief in Acceptance

I realized that in acknowledging my resentments and recognizing that some things just were what they were or are what they are, it provided some relief. The shaking of the dust from my feet. This allowed me to accept my losses more easily. To look forward more clearly and appreciate what was positive, is positive and could be in the different aspects of my life going forward.

What types of grief and resentment do you deal with in life and how do you manage it all? Leave your comment below!